Psychologist On Why Funerals Are Fundamental To Processing Grief

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Psychologist Christy Denckla says funerals and related rituals are «fundamental to how we mourn, to how we grieve, to how we reinforce social ties.»

Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP via Getty Images

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Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP via Getty Images

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How Do We Grieve 300,000 Lives Lost?

Can you give any specifics on the consequences of not being able to mourn as we usually are?

One of the things that we’re observing, or that we know about COVID so far, is that the typical ways that people begin to grapple with the death of loved ones is being lost. People can’t be at the bedside. People can’t say goodbye to their loved ones. And often the loss comes unexpectedly.

And so we do know that there are multiple steps involved in coming to terms with the loss of a loved one. And one of those is seeing the physical body. And people now cannot see the physical body because of the requirements of social distancing to prevent the spread.

This concerns me. This is a troubling consequence of COVID-19 loss, and we don’t know how that will play out over time. But we can expect that there will be potential difficulties, really grappling with the loss, as people mourn and grieve.

For those among us who are grieving right now and having to do so alone, do you have any advice?

My best advice would be to connect. There are aspects of grieving that are done alone, but there are also aspects of grieving that are done in community and groups. And we must connect. We must connect to friends. We must connect to social support. We must connect. And this can be done virtually. It can be done by phone calls. It can be done through social media. The bereavement community has mounted a formidable response to provide online support services for people who are facing grief.

And what about not online? I’m wondering if the value of a handwritten note of sympathy takes on even more meaning and comfort in this moment where we don’t have all of the other support structures in place?

Absolutely. Written notes, deliveries, offering tangible support, little things, going to the grocery store, helping to deal with the many things that are left undone in mourning and grieving loved ones. There are ways to offer tangible and emotional to those who are bereaved right now.

Meera Venkat and Courtney Dorning produced and edited the audio interview.